


My Funny Valentine

by robotunicorncastiel



Category: Football RPF, German NT RPF, Real Person Fiction, Real Person Slash, Sports RPF
Genre: DFB people shipping Schweinski just like us, Gen, Instagram, M/M, Prompt #3, Schweinski Valentine's Challenge 2015, Twitter, is this real life?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 17:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3258500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotunicorncastiel/pseuds/robotunicorncastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The DFB social media team decides they should tweet something on Valentine's Day. Also, 3/4 of the DFB social media team are Schweinski shippers. You do the math.</p>
<p>Inspired by Prompt #3 of the Schweinski Valentine's Day 2015 Challenge, "Is this real life?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Funny Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I made up all these people. Including Lukas Podolski and Bastian Schweinsteiger. They are not real. They are a figment of my imagination. Sorry for leading you guys on, but that's the hard truth.

"So," DBF social media analyst Dieter Schulz starts, "Valentine's Day."

"What about it," says Hansi, his boss.

"It's in two days. We should do something about it."

"We didn't do anything last year."

"We didn't do Hug Day last year either," argues Dieter. "Are we using the Picture again?"

"No, we're not using the Picture again. And Hug Day was Julia's idea."

"And a very good one at that, got 434 retweets," says social media assistant Julia, looking up from her laptop. "Why aren't we using the Picture?"

"Because it's 1) repetitive, and 2) inappropriate. I don't even see the need for a Valentine's day tweet, anyway."

Dieter raises a hand. "1) We could use the selfie instead, then, and 2) how is it inappropriate? If you ask me, it's a lot  _more_  appropriate for Valentine's than it was for Hug Day. Who the fuck knows about Hug Day?"

"I do," says Julia defensively.

"Julia does," says the trainee, Elsa, her eyes still glued to her iPhone screen as her fingers scroll up and down.

"Thank you for your input, Frozen. How's life in Arendelle?"

" _Bild_ 's saying Götze and Voldemort broke up."

"That's about the fourth time  _Bild_  breaks them up this week. And she has a name, for God's sake," says Hansi, exhasperated. "Are we done with the gossip column? Shouldn't we be talking about transfers?"

" _Bild_ 's been shipping Götzeus harder than Tumblr these days, huh," says Julia.

"I don't want to know what the hell a Götzeus is. Particularly if it has to do with Tumblr."

Dieter raises a hand. "Speaking of which--"

Hansi cuts him off before he can suggest yet again that they make an official Tumblr account for the DFB. "Transfers. Schweinsteiger hasn't renewed his contract yet. Thoughts?"

"You know, if Inter had the money...", says Julia, dreamily.

"Wash your wicked mouth with bleach," exclaims Dieter, eyebrows raised. Dieter is a hardcore Bayern fan. "That guy leaves Bayern, I'm personally going to his door and punching him in the face. And you know I know where he lives."

"But you must admit it would be kinda cute, hypothetically speaking."

"Guys, don't start that again," grumbles Hansi.

"I still don't know why we can't run the Picture for Valentine's Day if we used it for fucking Hug Day, which only Julia knows about."

"Because Hug Day was harmless. Valentine's, on the other hand - I don't think our followers would be interested in seeing two straight dudes being cute to each other."

"You, my friend," says Dieter, pointing at Hansi, "are being homophobic."

"Neither of them ever said they were  _straight_ ," adds Julia.

"I'm  _not_  being homophobic, and Julia, Podolski's  _married_."

"And his wife kept mum when  _he_  posted that selfie on Instagram with a romantic Brazilian song to go with it." Dieter and Hansi stare at her quizzically. "What? The lyrics were all over Tumblr."

"Don't even  _mention_  it, Dieter."

"I didn't say a  _word._ "

"But you were  _thinking_ it."

"Oho," says Elsa, smirking.

" _What._ "

"Bastian started following Lukas on Instagram."

"So?"

"And Lukas just updated, too. Check this out: ' _Throwback Thursday_ ', dot dot dot dot. Ball emoji, trophy emoji, winking emoji -  _hashtag myfunnyvalentine_."

She smiles triumphantly and turns her phone screen to them, so they can see it's a repost of the photograph in which Podolski and Schweinsteiger bite the former's World Cup medal.

"... Well, at least it's not  _that_  fucking picture," Hansi argues weakly.

Dieter checks Instagram on his own phone and whistles. "Over two thousand likes in what, five minutes? We're totally running a Valentine's tweet."

"Fine," says Hansi, rolling his eyes. "Do whatever you want. Hell, write a damn article for the site, ' _Top Ten DFB Bromances_ ', I don't even care at this point."

"We could compare them to famous lovers," suggests Julia. "Götzeus as Romeo and Juliet, who's with me?"

Hansi chooses to ignore her. "You guys do realize he's posting that now to appease the fangirls like you, but on the 14th both of them will be posting pictures with their partners, right? Just making this clear before you get your hearts broken or something."

"Bayern's playing Hamburg on Saturday, so Bastian'll probably be posting photos of his half-naked teammates. And his tennis girl has been conspicuously absent as of late."

"Don't mind him, Julia. Hansi's just bitter because he still hasn't gotten over his divorce."

"Do you really want to go there, Dieter? Because I shouldn't have to remind you that I'm still your boss, despite--"

" _Whoa_."

"What  _now_ , Elsa."

"Bastian  _liked_  Lukas' photo."

"And you'll argue that it's proof of their undying love for each other, I suppose."

"That's not all, oh my god - he  _left a comment_."

Dieter and Julia are out of their seats and standing around Elsa's chair in a second.

"What?! Where?"

Elsa hands them her phone, pointing at the screen. "Here. The last one. The emoji blowing a kiss." She gets up, fanning herself. "Oh my goodness. I need water."

Dieter shows Elsa's phone to Hansi, doing a little dance and singing "whoomp, there it is".

Julia is all wide-eyes and smiles. "Do you think they'll...?"

"What?"

"Like, come out or something?"

Hansi scoffs. "Are you serious?"

"Place your bets, ladies and gentleman." Dieter hands Elsa's phone back to her and puts his hands on his hips. "On Saturday, if they post stuff about their WAGs, each of us buys Hansi a beer."

"Fine," Hansi nods. "And if they post about each other -  _explicitly_  about each other, mind you, not like when you and Elsa go nuts because they're wearing the same boots -, if they explicitly make a reference to each other and to Valentine's Day in the same post, then I'm going to buy each of you a beer."

"Deal."

"One last thing," says Julia. "Are we borrowing Lukas' hashtag when we post the selfie on Saturday? Just checking."

"I give up on all three of you," says Hansi.

 

* * *

 

They run the infamous selfie on Saturday with a simple "Happy #ValentinesDay from the DFB team!", after Hansi convinces Julia to drop the idea of borrowing Podolski's hashtag. She says they should update their bet so that Hansi must also pay them beers if either Podolski or Schweinsteiger likes or reblogs their tweet, but as it turns out, neither player is active at all on any social media network throughout the day. After Bayern x Hamburg (Müller '32, Schweinsteiger '65), Hansi sends Dieter a Whatsapp message to congratulate him on the win, half-disappointed that Schweinsteiger didn't dedicate his goal to his girlfriend in the post-match interview. Still, neither of them has mentioned the other and Valentine's Day in the same sentence anywhere, so Hansi assumes their bet is null and void.

His assumption lasts until Sunday night, when he gets a message from Dieter after not bothering to follow Inter's match against Atalanta (Shaqiri '20, Podolski '42, Icardi '73) and therefore not seeing who was in the VIP stands.

_**guess who is visiting milan today.** _

_... Jesus fuck lord._

_Will you have to punch the guy now?_

_**nope. still bayern af.** _

_**but u owe us our salaries in beer, buddy.** _

Hansi opens Instagram warily, and @bastianschweinsteiger's latest update is the first thing to show up in his timeline. The photo has been taken somewhere in Milan, sometime after sunset according to the dark blue sky and the timestamp, and the Bavarian player is absolutely beaming with joy as Podolski plants a kiss on his cheek, in a clearly intentional reverse version of the latter's favorite Maracanã selfie.

And then Hansi's eyes fall on the caption, and he wishes he could swallow his phone and not have to admit his friends have won this round.

_"Enjoyed a Sunday with great football, great food and great company today #MiaSanMia #ForzaInter #BestLateValentinesEver"_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working. Look what I'm doing instead. I blame you, H.G. Rising.
> 
> I'm half-concerned, half-amused that I managed to write a Schweinski fic without Schweinski themselves even making an appearance. Kind of a personal challenge there.


End file.
